dreaming in oil paint

i remember the craft store was closing soon, and i was left deciding between oil paints and pastel crayons. there was a good deal on the paints, but the crayons felt more approachable. the products were displayed on two separate aisles. i stood before the crayons asking myself, “what if i painted with oil.” i went with the paints, and walked to the parking lot and loaded my new supplies into my truck. i found myself tearing off the plastic of my canvases, and taking a gloss paint back and forth over the canvas, so naturally. i leaned over, looked at my clock and it was 5:07 am. time to wake up.

why did i dream of oil painting?

it’s actually been on my radar for some time, to learn to oil paint. i’ve been scouting full-length tutorials, and pinning beautiful paintings on my pinterest, yet i haven’t purchased the paints. it’s not that i don’t have the space to do it…i’m just really nervous to invest in the products because it’s expensive. i don’t want to see it go to waste. or maybe that’s what i tell myself because i’m suffering from perfectionism. it’s odd because i don’t feel this way towards my music at all. maybe it’s because it’s new to me, and i’m an adult? it’s easy to make excuses not to try something new.

it’s funny because i was just saying almost the same thing with my student yesterday. she desires to play perfectly, but as a beginner, i reminded her that is not the goal. i gave her a priority list for her practice, so she understands what her expectations are from me and for her.

focus on pitch and rhythm, equally. this sets the foundation, it lets the listener feel at ease.

then articulation: phrasing, the musical sentences coming alive.

then dynamics: how much weight, where to bring lightness?

finally, after these elements are in place, we can add style. make your mark. add the final touches.

is it just me, or can these same principles be applied to painting? the notes on the page are a sketch on the canvas. brush strokes move just like rhythm. articulation, how smooth or crisp the color placement can be. and to bring the piece to life, we need dynamics…light and shadow. when the piece is completed, we can record it by adding the final gloss. and hang it on the wall, or press play on the record player.

maybe that’s why in my dream, i skipped ahead to the gloss. because my heart knows it’s possible, but my body still needs to start with the sketch.

i know firsthand: masterpieces can only be created when one chooses to begin. yet when beginning, it’s never about the masterpiece. i’m teaching myself to focus on taking it one layer at a time, rather than being distraught with perfection.

in my dream, the only reason i could apply the gloss to the completed painting was because somewhere in there, i applied myself to the work. the layers do exist.

i don’t know when i’ll finally buy those paints. but i do know this: the fear of wasting is smaller than the ache of never trying. the gloss i saw in my dream? i believe it’s waiting for me, on the other side of the first brushstroke.